Alarming Stories
Alarming Stories Part 2 - Enjoy a few snippets from my book below
Boney M
On one occasion at college I was talking shop with a few of my colleagues who were apprenticed at MHG (Music Hire Group) working on juke boxes, they were intrigued that intruder alarms used seven inch 45rpm singles and refused to believe this was a fact, a few weeks later I took a disc to college and even though it was there in hand, the MHG guys refused to believe I had not mocked the record up.
The records did not look like typical vinyl pressings, they were made from aluminium coated in a black polymer and were ‘hot cut’ individually, a blank would be installed into a machine called a lathe, the process was started and an operator read a script into a microphone, typically “Police, Police, Police this is an automated alarm reporting from the premises of XXXXX, then repeat the message for five minutes until the lathe stopped.
We had no means of playing the disk at college, so at lunchtime, we called into both HMV and Virgin record stores to request they play the disc for us to listen to, (at this time they had booths where you could request this service for vinyl records so you could listen before buying,) however we could not persuade either shop to play the disc for us.
I gave one of the MHG guys the disc, saying here, take it home and play it then.
A few weeks later I asked if they had listened to the disc and for the disc back, they all looked sheepish and said they had not realised I would need it back. they then said it could not be returned as they had installed it into a jukebox in a busy pub in Otley under the title Boney M, Rivers of Babylon.
I hated Boney M’s music so was delighted to hear they had chosen this track to substitute, it must have caused a stir many times when this record was selected.
The Gaiety
The Gaiety in Leeds was a large public house with live music, dance hall and during the lunch hour, strippers performing in the round, it opened in 1972 and was eventually demolished to reduce crime and prostitution in the area in the 1990’s, its reputation was really that bad.
The pub’s location on the junction of Gathome Terrace and Roundhay Road was in the red lights district, directly opposite the Rendezvous Café, a favourite haunt for prostitutes plying their trade in the area.
Chubb had the contract for the intruder alarm, which was ‘serviced’ very regularly, especially at lunchtime, most systems at this time which utilised dry cell batteries, were serviced four times per annum, however the Gaiety seemed to receive a lot more visits than other similar contracts.
On one occasion, I was out on the road with a service engineer John for the day, at lunchtime he drove to and parked at the back of the Gaiety, he used his security pass for access to the strip show.
When we arrived, there were already two more service engineers’ cars in the car park, Mike, and Andy, we all met at the bar. I was handed a pint, and the four of us stood in the front row of the performance area waiting for the show to begin.
Shortly the show started, a young stripper I estimated to be 18 – 19 years of age performed first, the striptease performances were in the round, so with just a small area kept clear for the performers to enter and exit the stage, the audience surrounded the performance area.
The young stripper performed to rapturous applause, she was then followed by her mother, approximately 38 years of age and a lot raunchier in her performance.
At one point she took a half-consumed pint off Andy, who we had the impression she knew, probably due to the amount of times he had ‘serviced’ the alarm that year.
Holding the glass against her breast, she performed a few manoeuvres and gyrations dowsing her breast in his beer, she then gave Andy the glass back.
A few minutes later she (and the audience) saw Andy take a drink from the glass. The audience all cheered, so she took it from him again, this time she managed to dowse her pussy in the glass by holding it in the required position and performing a slow back flip, then returned the pint to its owner.
Once again, Andy drank from the glass downing the contents in one, the stripper laughed, the audience went wild, and many of the front row offered her their glasses, but the moment was over and she declined, having completed her performance.
Martin is embarrassing
On one of my days in the stores, one of the supervisors Peter walked in and looked a bit stressed, then said, Phil please would you make some tea. He made a few phone calls and then turned to the other supervisors and said, do you know, that Martin is bloody embarrassing.
Peter related that he had just returned from a site meeting with a large company, the new alarm was to be extensive covering the works and the offices in a new build property, the MD and two senior managers had attended the site meeting and Martin was there to understand the clients requirements.
Peter went on to say, he had been walking with Martin through the factory section with the client when Martin had farted loudly. Everyone seemed to ignore this, but when they arrived in the new open plan office area full of telephonists and typists, Martin had repeated the performance, only this time much louder and in several bursts lasting longer, the client team walked off a few paces leaving Martin and Peter alone.
The other supervisors now we're hanging on every word from Peter’s mouth, “what did you say” asked one, Peter replied, what could you say, I nudged Martin and muttered “give it up” and he farted again, then pointed to the people in the office and said, in a voice they could all hear, “what’s up, they all do it as well don’t they”.
Tits like coconuts
Working on a system with Ray in Armley Town Street, I was sent out to buy sandwiches and drinks, as I walked back clutching these a very attractive young woman walked past, everyone was looking at her as she was wearing a T shirt which said in large letters on the front “Tits like coconuts”, as she passed, the back of her shirt said, “Sparrows like peanuts”.
I arrived back at the site and my colleague was hanging out of the doorway. Did you see that? he said. Ray had obviously noticed her too.
Tools law
At technical college one day we were brushing up on several laws. First up was Ohm's law and Kirchoff’s voltage law.
Then we covered Joules law, gouss’s law and Calumb’s law when one of the students interrupted the lecturer.
Have you heard of Tools law, he asked?
The lecturer thought for a minute and said, no I cannot say I have heard that one.
To which the student replied, it’s the angle of the dangle multiplied by the heat of the moment.
Philip Wilkinson
I am currently the owner and Managing Director of a security devices distribution company. Online Security Products Limited. We offer a range of parts, everything from CCTV to Door Entry, Access Control and Intruder.
